Magic and or this big glass of wine

Fitting that it's Christmas time...

When I was a little girl, I believed in magic. From the "reindeer prints" on our snowy lawn in Montana (probably the rabid dog that later attacked my Mom) to my Dad's Santa sighting. "He had blue eyes, just like me," he cackled. Bastard.

I think my husband* believes in magic too. He thinks that magic elves clean his house and wash his clothes. (Spoiler alert-there ain't no damned elves, its ME, his wife).

While Phoenix isn't quite the winter wonderland of the movies, I can't help but feel just the slightest bit of superiority wearing shorts in December. You can kindly remind me of this superiority in July...

At any rate, magic! Yes, this is something I think I possess.

Example:
In anesthesia we call this correlational.

You waking up after anesthesia is directly proportional to my skills and or grade point average in CRNA school.

That's not magic, you say! But it is. Because as for as many times as I stare at the words in my text books, I always doubt that it is sinking in. My heart races and my hands sweat when it is time to take a test. My husband, helpfully, refers to this (test taking) as a "celebration of my knowledge." Rip off, if you ask me, because it never ends in cake.

Back on track, though, for as much as I believe my brain is a bunch of rats running in opposite directions, the words in my book magically appear at test time.

My SRNA (Student Registered Nurse Anesthetist!) friend Matt is a quiet genius. He is a laid back guy who you bowl and drink with but wouldn't necessarily peg for "Einstein." But, when that boy opens his mouth, pure insanity! I recently asked, him to what he attributes it to:

"I drink so I kill all the stupid brain cells so only the smart ones are left."

Well, cheers to you Matt! Cheers to Happy Holidays!, health, love, and my test-anxiety induced photographic memory!

But most importantly, cheers to my gorgeous, Greek God of a husband! Cheers to today, as it has been three lovely years of togetherness. I love you more and more and more....


*Author's note, I love my husband more than life and am grateful he works tirelessly so I can go back to school...and eat at the same time.

Keep those neurons firing my friends

Since this blog was intended to be a following of me in CRNA school, maybe I should blog about that, huh? Here are a few pointers for any one considering CRNA school or graduate school in general.

1. When people tell you that graduate school is hard, they probably aren't lying. I thought they were; I laughed at them. And now, I often find myself in tears because it IS hard. But, it is well worth it. Graduate school is not for the faint of heart, those who don't want a challenge, and those who do not work well under stress.

2. I didn't study as an undergrad but was sure that I could "wing it." HA!! My new stance on studying (and my test grades are directly correlated) is to get a tutor if available (these are people who passed the class with flying colors, let them lead you!), don't just fumble through your notes and read the books. What has been effective for me and 95% of my class (the other 5% is a guy who just sits in the corner...not sure how he is doing), is writing possible test questions from your notes. Ex: Red crayons are made from wax. What are red crayons made from? What color of crayons are made from wax? ETC. Don't laugh. It WORKS! On one test, I did this for every subject header, reviewed it once or so and to my own surprise, got a 100%! My husband then put up my grade on the fridge, it was GREAT!

3. School is great, advancing your career is great, but FAMILY is #1. I make time for my husband every day. Dinner is not interuptable. We also make time for something fun each week. Individuals in my class are experiencing increasing amounts of marital stress because they put school first. One guy looked at me baffled when I suggested he put down the book and take his wife on a date (*and I offered to babysit even!). When all is said and done, none of "this" is going to be worth it if you are alone during your graduation ceremony. I am going to CRNA school to improve the quality of life for my family. Definitely not because I like to study a lot.

4. Take time for yourself. Every day. Seriously. Or you WILL go crazy.

5. Your classmates are your allies. Divide up the work load. With a few friends, I divide up the notes to make practice questions with. It helps with your sanity and it works to your studying advantage. I have encountered an individual or two who just wants to get their grubby little hands on my test questions. In that instance, kindly reply that the file they are contained in is "too large to email, sorry."

6. Don't isolate yourself from your family or friends if you have moved away. Love Facebook! Don't get your feelings hurt if life moves on without you, because you are creating your own, great new life too.

7. Don't be nervous. Obviously if after a lengthy application process they picked YOU, you have got the goods!

8. Don't be discouraged if you don't get in right away. The "waiting list" is your friend. If you happen to get the latter letter, kindly write a respectful, formal thank you to the interview committee and hope for the best!

9. Good luck and feel free to message me with questions!

Nostalgia and angst from Arizona

Burque.

I started my adult life there. As soon as the dorm doors closed behind me, I was on my own in a new city. Though, as I made the trek back to Colorado, I was still overwhelmed by a sense of "home" crossing that border. The sky is blue-er in Colorado, I told (tell) myself. Sort of like the grass is greener but a more measurable fact.

However, I have recently had a change of heart. Roasting green chilies in the backyard of our Arizona house (*author's note, I did not write "home" as I still consider our old house my "home"), the smells are foreign. The green chili does not waft in the air the same way and I feel like this is a sad event.

I resisted everything about Albuquerque at first. I talked to my friends about my escape back to Colorado or any where else. Now, I sit in my beautiful Arizona house, with all the amenities in close reach, perfect sunsets and I dream about the day I can hold a Satellite cup and people watch in Nob Hill. I met and married Aaron there, started my career there, met the best of friends, and created a life for myself.

I know you can never go back but a girl can dream. Here's to you Albuquerque.

To infinity and beyond

It is often said that it is love that makes the world go round. However, without doubt, it is friendship which keeps our spinning existence on an even keel. True friendship provides so many of the essentials for a happy life-it is the foundation on which to build an enduring relationship, it is the mortar which bonds us together in harmony, and it is the calm, warm protection we sometimes need when the world outside seems cold and chaotic. True friendship holds a mirror to our foibles and failings, without destroying our sense of worthiness. True friendship nurtures our hopes, supports us in our disappointments, and encourages us to grow to our best potential.-from my wedding vows, September 5, 2008

Dear husband,

There were manic style meltdowns, bumps in the road, and rings of fire I made you jump through...

...but when the doors opened, I heard nothing and saw nothing except you at the end of the aisle. Happy one year anniversary! I love you to infinity and beyond.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping;

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

A hobby is only fun if you have time to do it...

"A man practices the art of adventure when he breaks the chain of routine and renews his life through reading new books, traveling to new places, making new friends, taking up new hobbies and adopting new viewpoints."

Things I did over summer break:

I learned how to golf (loose association with term!)

(*gasp, read a non-anesthesia book!)

and then I read anesthesia books...it's a sickness similar in a nature to anxiety-induced sweaty hands and cupcake addiction.

All work and no fun makes Morgan a very dull girl...

I roll down the windows and let the fresh air wash over my face. Cold is a feeling I haven't felt for a while and I welcome it like an old friend. Aaron and I enjoy the fact that there is nothing we have to do, except be with each other and enjoy nature. We have accomplished so much in the past few months that the only thing we must now accomplish is building the perfect s'more.

one ninth

1. 0.1 repeater
2. the number Lambda
3. "Why pay for employed by private corporations, when you can get the same cowboy antics at one-ninth the price?"
4."Only seeing one ninth and feeling there is more to the story."
5. Halphen constant
6. "one-ninth of dreams come true"
7. "one-ninth, poignant and hopeful"
8. a simple fraction
9. The amount of CRNA school I am done with

All work and no fun makes Morgan a very dull girl

Things I like to do outside of CRNA school



1. Think about CRNA school

2. Do board review practice question with Aaron

3. See how long I can run in the heat before feeling dizzy (max 30 minutes in July)

4. Stalk all of my future places of employment

5. Gain motivation from gaswork.com

6. Paint my bathroom horrendous colors, tell everybody how "ugly" it looks, and be honestly offended when people agree (and when my grandmother gives me money to repaint)

7. Scratch Rugby's belly

8. Explore the great state of Arizona

9. Dance in my kitchen to Flo Rida

10. Day dream with my husband about our charmed life :)



Things I didn't know about CRNA school and about myself

1. It is REALLY hard and you REALLY do study for 12 hours a day. It is a full time job and a half.

2. I always thought of my self as "ambitious" but not to this extent. I get up at 5am and go to bed at 11pm. All in the name of school. And I can't not do it.

Our Life In Suburia...Part 1

Our new neighborhood in Peoria

The front of our house.

I still can't figure out why he scares people...

den

front entrance

living/dining room (table not delivered yet)

kitchen

master bedroom

master bathroom

master bedroom looking into bathroom

guest bedroom (*wink)

laundry room

I wonder what Barbie would think about CRNA school**

**When I was a little girl, Mattel made a Barbie with a pull-cord back. She said many phrases, but my favorite was, "Math is hard." She was immediately removed from the shelves...

Our new neighborhood reminds me of being a small town girl during the Colorado summers, I think, as the rain hits my face. Kids ride their bikes at night in the streets, racing through the sprinklers without a care in the world. Rugby and I venture out to explore our new territory. The breeze leaves the air fresh and I get a whiff of far off farm animals and it brings me peace. The normalcy of home life grounds me as hard as if I were to be wearing cement shoes. Lately, my mind takes me to far off places, dreams of glycolysis, memorizing innvervation patterns in the showers, and calculating vapor pressures over dinner. I find myself daily manically scrub my new counter tops, “for a sense of control,” my friend and classmate finishes my thought. She looks at me with empathetic and tired eyes. I was so non-chalant about CRNA school. Sure, it’s hard for you, but not for me. If I only knew…
…They don’t tell you how often or how easily you will cry, I think. School brought a big, burly guy in my class to tears today. He arrived to our test late and was barely let in the testing center. I felt my eyes well with sympathy tears thinking about all the hours I spent in the library, about 25 for a 45 question test. No doubt, it is a coincidence that they don’t tell you, you will probably cry…a lot. However, during the monthly “pep talks” by the dean, I hear words like “intubation,” “Swan-Ganz” and “no I have NEVER done a pudendal block” and my heart is a flutter again.

Life in Oz...

Instead of closing my eyes to take another calming deep breath, I close my eyes, breath out, and click my heels together. There is NO place like home. After 52 days in an extended stay hotel (I mean, I KNOW it says "extended stay" but gimme a break!), Aaron and I will be heading to our new home in Peoria. While, I 'liked' the other house we "bought," there is no real comparison to our new house. It is a home. And that is what we are shooting for. Aaron and I chose to build our life together in Arizona, now we can begin the next chapter!

Motivational Speech, Part 1

One of the first things you will hear as a graduate student is, "Don't worry when you fail your first test." I was told this by doctors as I left the Heart Hospital and by upper class men at Midwestern. When the doctor at the Heart Hospital told me this, one of the nurses turned to me and with an icy glare sarcastically said, "Not Morgan, she would never fail." I knew from past experience and from her tone that nothing would make her happier than for me to fall on my face. So, I spent two weekends straight in the library. I got up early and stayed up late (okay, late for me!). And I held my breath while I waited for those test results...I passed. With great scores. Moral of the story, never let anybody tell you that you will fail. Because if you believe it, they win. I have never worked this hard for anything in my life...but I have never wanted anything more. Life is looking up for the Morrow's.

:)

day 30, breakdown 2 and the letter that ruined my life..

I squeeze my eye lids together so tight that it hurts. "You make your own luck," I repeat over and over to myself trying to integrate it into my mantra list. But, as I learned today, sometimes one door closes so two doors can open (I think there is a law in physics for that too that I need to memorize by Thursday!). I imagine that I am one of those inflatable punching bags. The kind that you hit as hard as you can, but that keep popping back up no matter what.

The story:

I'm sitting in Biophysics today, surprised at how much I actually like physics. But suddenly, the small town feeling washes over me. I attribute this anxiety to the fact that today is the ABSOLUTE deadline for the bank. I have glimmers of hope rolled into threads of impending doom. So, I shoot my realtor a text message on my way to lunch.

(*actual text)

Hey Elise, has Analissa called yet? I'm getting some mega anxiety about the house. Morgan Morrow

Approximately five minutes later I get a phone call:

"Morgan, it's Elise. So, I have some bad news. The bank is refusing to handle your file because they are mad about a letter. Did you send a letter?"

Me:

"Yes, I sent an email to the advocacy department about three weeks ago but never heard back."

Elise:

"Well, they got the email and are pissed."

I'll spare you readers and paraphrase the rest of the conversation. Basically, my realtor claims an email I sent to Countrywide made them so upset, they refuse to deal with our file. My thought-seriously? How can one tiny, insignificant email tip the boat? Get my a life preserver because I off the ship.

I'm M-A-D:

1. I'm signing your paycheck realtor-why are you yelling at me?

2. An email CANNOT be the straw that broke the camel's back...what's really up? SHADY

3. See number one, SERIOUSLY!

So, Aaron and I are holding a family meeting to decide how we are going to proceed. I'm done. First, with our realtor for being so accusatory and disrespectful. Secondly, we've been dealing with this headache since February. As my nursing friends can attest,"dead meat don't beat."

Here is the email I wrote. What do you think? Was I overstepping my bounds (I already know the answer to that but reinforcement is always helpful).

Keep us in your thoughts. Through my morning runs, I have found a really CUTE neighborhood and some houses for sale. We are calling a new realtor that comes with the highest of recommendations from our new CRNA friends.

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing this letter as a plee to help end my current situation. My husband and I moved to Glendale, AZ so I could continue my education in the health care field. We chose Arizona over our other options because we were able to buy a house here. On March 1, we made a reasonable, fair market offer on a house and on March 1, the seller accepted this offer. Since then, we have run into a variety of hurdles. Every time we have contacted our realtor for more information about our house, we hear the words "no update." My husband and I have since had to vacate our other home to move to Arizona. We are currently living in a hotel with our cat and Boxer. This is a very undesirable situation, as you could image. I have pleeded with our realtor many times to push our offer into a closing without much help. I have called Countrywide but I do not have the account number on the mortgage. I would appreciate any help I could get. This is the first house I have ever bought and I am so excited to finally have something that is my own.

The house in question is:

**********
Glendale, AZ
85310

and the seller's name is ********. I pray that this email reaches someone that can assist me to finally close on this house.

Thank you for taking the time to hear my story.

Morgan Morrow

**name/address obviously changed because I feel bad for the seller. He will foreclose his home if this doesn't go through.

Word to the wise:

Short sale=not short. Unless short means painful and long.

My realtor=would NEVER recommend her (so if you move to Phoenix-call me and I'll tell you who she is)

Day 2, breakdown 1 and other stories

Scene 2, Act 1:
Women enters dog park with unusually attractive, rare, white boxer. Boxer proceeds to sniff around the dark park, peeing on all his usual spots. Women happily sips grande non-fat latte from Starbucks, soaks up the sunshine, tries to digest the monumental task of CRNA school, and reviews yesterday in her head (see below story). Enter Doberman puppy. Puppy bites Boxer. Boxer enjoys attention and chases puppy. Puppy does not seem to mind. (*IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE, Boxer NEVER bit or jumped on puppy and puppy never yelped!) Enter, puppy owner. Puppy owner (in a criticizing voice with bitchy overtones) to woman sipping latte, "Why do you always bring your dog here when he acts like that?" Puzzled, woman sipping latte feels the heat rise to her face, making her tomato-like. Puppy owner gathers puppy in a hurried manner and exits. Boxer runs to labs playing fetch. Lab owner, "I don't want your dog playing with mine if he is aggressive." Woman sipping latte feels tomato face in its full effect and is now getting "small town feeling." Latte woman gathers Boxer. Exit dog park. Woman enters car. Convulsive, messy breakdown.

(The previous day)

Scene 1, Act 1:
Monday morning approaches and so approaches my excitement. It is FINALLY our "absolute deadline" imposed by the bank to come to a complete/final decision regarding our home here. I give the realtor my cell phone number, email address, and complete day schedule so she can call me the MOMENT we get the GREEN LIGHT. Five o'clock....no call...I call the realtor. Voicemail. Leave a detailed message instructing her to call me. Get a return call approximately 1 hour later:

"The bank decided to make their thirty day deadline, thirty BUSINESS days."

Mini-meltdown followed but no tears...yet...small town feeling begins.

Scene 2, Act 1.

Amidst all of our chaos, Aaron and I decide to take a break and enjoy a WNBA game. I give Rugby and good scratch while Olivia rubs up against my leg. This usually means she feels left out so I also give her a pet and we head out the door. (*Author's note-Olivia is our cat). Aaron and I get in the car and begin to head towards down town Phoenix. About two exits into the trip, I smell something out of the ordinary (or as my dad would say, "I got a wiff of jiff!"). I sniff around my clothes (we did start working out again and it's HOT here!). Nothing. I sniff around Aaron. Nothing. The smell passes. Five minutes later, I get another wiff. What the heck? I roll down the window and frantically scan the car when I look down at my leg. Olivia rubbed up against me and sharted on me. We pull of on the first exit so I can stick my whole leg in the sink at Jack-In-The-Box and scrub it. I guess she was mad that she and Rugby have to share such close quarters. Life lesson: just when you think that you have hit rock bottom, you get pooped on. It happens! So don't take yourself so serious because, it is really rather funny.

Current Scene:

1. Lightbulb clicking for CRNA school but am overwhelmed by the volume of information I am supposed to be digesting. Luckily, the CRNA Class of 2011 is made up of the most bright, supportive, and generous people I have ever met. And for a bunch of ICU nurses, not one person comes across as bitchy or competitive (and for anyone who doesn't know what the ICU RN stereotype is, they are not the nicest people!!). Side note, CRNA school currently consists of

• Journal club-Morgan will soon become a published (!!) author. Will keep you updated with that.
• Biophysics-who knew "math really ISN'T that hard Barbie!"
• Anatomy-what is this little insignificant fiber next to this big blob. Name all of these for every body part. (Eek!)
• Biochemistry-name very amino acid ever and what is does this and that.

p.s. I have a name badge that says Nurse Anesthestist (student) and I have a tee shirt...

2. While my head can now completely rotates around its axis (i.e. "Exorcist"), Aaron and I are still "patiently" waiting for an answer on our house. Although, this week we began looking for other houses and making empty threats towards the realtors. Basically, whatever house we can get into first will be our house but all arrows point to "our" house right now. Everyone that knows me knows patience is not my strong suit so this is a very large lesson in humility. We are going on week three of living in a studio with the dog and the cat...
3. I am married to the most wonderful and supportive man on the face of this planet. People in my class are already having "marital" issues regarding the time CRNA school consumes. Aaron and I are stronger. He quizzes me on my homework and is generally interested in how CRNA school works. On days he is off, I come home (or the hotel rather) to dinner and a back massage. Absence is making my heart grow fonder. And I've been gone a lot.
4. Rugby and I no longer go to the dog park. I hate the dog park. I hate the dog park people. They are just dogs! Dogs jump on each other and chase each other. And I would advise you to seek Psychiatric attention if you worry about your dog's psyche. Rugby's brain is pea sized (he jumped out of the car window in rush hour traffic mind you!). No room for thought processing greater than pooping, eating, chasing the bunnies in the arroyo, and belly rubs. Rugby and I now go to Thunderbird park to hike where we frequently get stopped by people oohing and ahhing over him. The little ham loves it.
5. The most recent deadline for the house is the 22nd. Aaron and I are making pretty substantial (but honestly hollow) threats to get something in writing. You will be the first to know what those results are.
6. Morgan+weekends Aaron works=mega cram time, this is one of those weekends so I better finish planting my face in Biochemistry.

You are now up to full speed!

What to do when you have nothing to do...

"But its a dry heat," my Dad adds helpfully to end his phone call. Great, I think as I peer down at the truck's thermometer. 91 degrees and climbing. That probably explains this nagging cough I have developed since crossing the border. For now, I say, adios New Mexico as I check out my new surrounds. The recent rains have left a blanket of lush green surroundings. The journey here has been a long, bumpy road. Literally and figuratively speaking. It's hard to make the miles blur when the moving truck can only go 60 miles per hour. All the other cars fly by and curiously peer at us, wondering why we can't do the same. Fear, safely, and general exhaustion is our answer. We drive to our house but cannot unpack our things. Bank delay. It had been too easy to obtain a new home in a desired area. And for the girl who is used to getting her way, this is a good lesson in patience. I close my eyes and remind myself, "you create your own luck."

How To Pack a Box (10 Things I Hate About You)

1. Sit with your cup of coffee and stare at the boxes near your feet.

2. Start to cry a little.

3. Wipe your tears and get your sharpie.

4. Throw random junk into each box.

5. Label all: MISC., FRAGILE!

6. Sit on said box in attempt to get it to close.

7. Use copious amounts of duct tape.

8. Consider selling everything you own on Ebay.

9. Call a moving company and consider going back to work to pay for it.

10. Feel very accomplished at all you do.

Can somebody please pass me an emesis basin?

It hit me today. The small town feeling, that is. For those of you that do not know already, the "small town feeling" is most easily explained as:

1. something that causes GI upset (i.e. quitting your job and moving)

AND/OR

2. a feeling of isolation (i.e. quitting your job, moving, and leaving your friends and family)

Yesterday was my curtain call at the Heart Hospital, after wonderful five years. It is where my nursing care started and I refuse to let it be the place that it will also end. Once a nurse, always a nurse right? I will always over analyze any headache (brain tumor), menstrual cramp (pregnant!), or rash (necrotizing facitis). I know how to give a bed bath and shave an unconscious patient, how to make my sheets extra crisp, and how to shoot cardiac outputs with my eyes closed. I can run a code, tamponade a bleeder, and deal with a bitchy co-worker. However,the most important thing I will take away from my career is the compassion nurses are able to extend to others. Nothing can bring you to your knees like telling a family member "they didn't make it." I have learned that a back massage, hug, or converstation can soothe pain as easily as a Percocet. And that has made me a better person and will make me a better Nurse Anesthetist.

I am setting my stethoscope aside (for now) and trading it for my study skills. Then I remembered, I didn't have any of those as an under-grad. At least I can blame my sweaty hands on the Phoenix heat!

C.R.N.A.

You all know I am going to school to become a CRNA but you still may ask yourself, what is that?

Here is my final answer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1JzCDqt3BM

Moving

Here is my moving to do list:

1. Buy a house (check! Final approval-April 6)

2. One last minute vacation (check!)

3. teach Rugby to behave like a civil animal (ummm...it's a work in progress. We are still consider suing the Marley and Me author for life infrigement plagerism...come on, how many dogs jump out of car windows in rush hour traffic?)

4. Begin learning all the names of every amino acid, ever...

5. Convince Aaron that, while Midwestern is a

"doctor school"

persay, I am a

"doctor nurse"

and he should hereby refer to me as

"Dr. Nurse Mrs. Ouellette Morrow."

6. Call U-Haul (check!)

Let the count down begin!

Meet the Morrow's

Once upon a time, lived a man and a woman. After a year and a half of togetherdom, the women threatened (err, highly suggested and encouraged) the man into holy matrimony. They were married September 5, 2008 and set off to create a history. Their journey has now left them settling into domestic bliss. They have a naughty puppy, a crazed cat, and the travel bug. This couple now sets out on a new adventure: graduate school and a move to a new city. This is our story...