The time I fell

Sure, I told Marianna that I loved you and would marry you before we officially met. I just knew (but, I also knew that I would make Matt Damon fall in love with me so I'm not sure of my accuracy...).

But, the moment that I ABSOLUTELY fell in love with you is probably not what you would expect. But, this relationship has had quite a few unexpected surprises (*gifts?) along the way.

I had just started working as an ICU RN among the wolf pack. I remember that day like no other. I remember the pit in my stomach as one she-wolf had her teeth out in full force. She never liked me...sometimes I think it is really because she liked you. But I had you and I hadn't yet realized what exactly it was I had.

I came home to you, though, we were not quite "living together." You saw the tears in my eyes and said nothing at all. You just pulled me into your arms and whispered, "everything will be alright." And my insides melted....because I believed you. That's when it happened.

Like a message from above

I recently received an email from my next clinical rotation site. It contained explicit information about what is to be expected from me in my next three months. And it was looooong and detailed. I should be terrified. I'm not. It was like a message from God, himself (or herself/itself/itselves...whatever...I'm not a hater) telling me to hold on for two more weeks.

Thanks God (Buddah/Allah/etc)-I needed that!

Befriending a wildebeast

When I was a little girl, oh..probably kindergarten-ish or so, a woman approached my mother and asked her which child was hers. My mom pointed to me. The woman smiled and said, "Oh, she is lovely and so nice to everyone." I think that was my mother's shining moment.

Fast forward twenty-ish years and I feel like I am still that girl. I know I am. I try my best to be nice to everyone. And this has rewarded me with overwhelming joy but it has also blown up in my face from time to time.

Recently, I did something I felt was very nice and I honestly had no alterior motive. I thought I was truly helping a friend out of a sticky situation.

Side note: I have always felt the need to overcompensate and be too nice-it's really a fault. I don't know why I do this. I just want you to like me...you do like me, right?

Back on track-this nice deed blew up in my face so I told said person I could not longer do said nice task. Said friend must not really be a friend because me being nice (sans thank you for nice task...ever...) has turned into me being at eye level with Satan(or George W. Bush-you pick). Like I have said before, there are two sides to every story-obviously this is my blog (MINE MINE MINE) and if you are reading this you are probably either my friend or a complete stranger. Naturally, either of those would lead you to be on my side. Strangers love me.

However, I did not feel regret for loosing this friend. I felt....RELIEF. Sweet relief. I no longer feel like I have to tip toe said person.

I lost a friend but I gained Teflon. Let it slide off baby, let it slide.

In one week

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe-Colbie Caillat

The sun streams through the windows and I fight the sleep out of my eyes. I turn to look at you, still sleeping. You're smiling in your sleep. I gently touch a soft curl on your forehead. So many emotions, mainly pure joy, surge through my being. They come to a head and my eyes overflow with tears. I quickly bat them away because I know that still after four years, "womanly" emotions still make you skiddish. You murmur something in audible and pull me in closer. And my heart is happy.

Warning: Being Bitter Gives You Wrinkles

Author note: Unfortunately for me, my learning curve involves doing things the "hard way." Luckily, I usually only get burned once until my little synapses say-"Hey lady, WTF?! That's HOT!"


While I understand that I am a 25 year old dorm dweller, I didn't understand that I would also return to the land of dorm politics. For those of you not lucky enough to experience these the first go around, let me refresh your memory:

1. Home sick and whiny.
2. Unable to leave high school and all this entails
3. New found freedom
4. Lonely in a new city
5. Dumb, dumber, and what the hell were you thinking?
6. Common sense and nonsense

While these seem like apt titles to any teen angst drama, they are currently my quarter life situation. I own up to two on the list-home sick and whiny and lonely in a new city. I feel like I got shit on by number 2. Oh dear Internet, I knew I was coming to Tampa, but I never saw a sign that said I was going back to high school politics. By this, I mean the mean girls club.

Allow me to digress for a moment, I have had plenty of experience with the mean girls club. I was a brand new nurse entering into the world of intensive care. Those girls are mean. Why? I don't know. I think it is equivalent to one part hazing, one part jealousy that the new blond nurse was also shacking up with the hot pharmacist, and one part bitterness in their own lives. Not to mention the additional flack I got for getting into CRNA school. Apparently, education is like anthrax to the mean girls club. And of course, there was always the mean girls club when I was actually in high school. But I block those memories like a bad dream.

I am now officially back in high school. Living in a little house with other girls is like being in high school. There is back stabbing, whispering, and secret meetings. Naturally, rumors are spread and claws are out.

I consider it my uphill battle towards better karma. I try not to be bitter (*see wrinkle comment above). If I have anything to be bitter about, it is having my heart torn in half and thrown all the way from Tampa to Phoenix. Currently, my IPOD mix consists of a repeating thread of Colby Callait's "I Miss Everything About You," and Heart's "All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You." Slightly masochistic, slightly soothing.

Rise above....rise above...